Its my birthday

So, today is my 37th birthday. I have come to realize that I am everything opposite of what I thought I was. I am a jealous, insecure, almost middle aged woman who is depressed and sometimes contemplates suicide. Would I ever go through with it? No. I'm too much of a coward for that. I just have too many regrets and guilt that I can't let go of. I never thought that I would feel this way about myself but I am realizing that age is taking hold of me. I am not as pretty as I once was and I now am seeing it and my body has gone to shit after four kids. I often wonder if my husband sees me the way I see me. I will never get an honest answer about that even if he is my best friend and we usually tell each other everything. Don't get me wrong, I'm no fool, I know that he doesn't tell me everything nor do I tell him everything. I mean come on although I love him and he is my best friend no one is completely honest in their marriage nor do they say everything that is on their mind.What I mean about me and my feelings as of late is that I cheated on him almost 20 years ago and I cannot forgive myself for doing it. I have tried to tell myself he says he forgave me (although I don't think he has and is still hurt and always will I know this) but I still keep a smile on my face when I am screaming inside. I have bottled up every feeling, don't get me wrong I do have the occasional meltdown but he attributes it to everyday stress of being a mom and in school. I don't know how much longer I can live the way I do. I want to cry and scream so much lately but I don't. Maybe that's why the contemplation of suicide crossed my mind? I keep myself numb with medications for pain so I don't feel. That's how I deal with it. I know its shameful and sad to do so and cliche but I understand why some people live on pot or Oxycontin their whole life. Aside from the enjoyment of the numb feeling it just stops you from thinking, and when you do, it just doesn't hurt as much. Well, I do have to get some sleep right now and will update this soon and check this everyday. Try to stay happy.