Its my birthday

So, today is my 37th birthday. I have come to realize that I am everything opposite of what I thought I was. I am a jealous, insecure, almost middle aged woman who is depressed and sometimes contemplates suicide. Would I ever go through with it? No. I'm too much of a coward for that. I just have too many regrets and guilt that I can't let go of. I never thought that I would feel this way about myself but I am realizing that age is taking hold of me. I am not as pretty as I once was and I now am seeing it and my body has gone to shit after four kids. I often wonder if my husband sees me the way I see me. I will never get an honest answer about that even if he is my best friend and we usually tell each other everything. Don't get me wrong, I'm no fool, I know that he doesn't tell me everything nor do I tell him everything. I mean come on although I love him and he is my best friend no one is completely honest in their marriage nor do they say everything that is on their mind.What I mean about me and my feelings as of late is that I cheated on him almost 20 years ago and I cannot forgive myself for doing it. I have tried to tell myself he says he forgave me (although I don't think he has and is still hurt and always will I know this) but I still keep a smile on my face when I am screaming inside. I have bottled up every feeling, don't get me wrong I do have the occasional meltdown but he attributes it to everyday stress of being a mom and in school. I don't know how much longer I can live the way I do. I want to cry and scream so much lately but I don't. Maybe that's why the contemplation of suicide crossed my mind? I keep myself numb with medications for pain so I don't feel. That's how I deal with it. I know its shameful and sad to do so and cliche but I understand why some people live on pot or Oxycontin their whole life. Aside from the enjoyment of the numb feeling it just stops you from thinking, and when you do, it just doesn't hurt as much. Well, I do have to get some sleep right now and will update this soon and check this everyday. Try to stay happy.

Baking in the sun.

Wow! Ok, here in Texas we are baking in the sun. The drought is worse than ever and we are sitting at 102 degrees for today. I am currently in air conditioned bliss but ah...the threat of rolling blackouts on the news this morning cautions me to keep the temperature in here at moderately comfortable versus the ice box I want it to be. Even my poor dog is sprawled out on the tile floor along with the cat keeping cool. So I now have everything off in the house, all lights and televisions off and nothing on but anything that is essential since I am hoping and praying we don't run into rolling blackouts and am trying to do my part to conserve energy.

Now I am sitting here bored out of my mind. I just got done playing Cafe World on facebook and can't do another thing while all of my food is cooking, I am getting hungry and trying not to eat while my butt is sitting here on the computer. I have done my homework for my class already and don't wish to do anymore for the day. I was wondering if anyone had any good book, manga or comic suggestions to help me pass the time. Suggest away!!!

I will do nothing

Ok, so with my dilemma from yesterday I have chose to do nothing. I thought, he did nothing wrong and the insecurity part is on me so that is something I have to work on. Weight can be lost and I reallty need to focus on my self esteem YIKES!

On a good note I have finally found a Japanese drama that I fell in love with called 1 liter of tears. If anyone is interested in watching it (it is japanese with subtitles) it is free to watch ay mysoju.com. It is about a 15 year old girl who finds she had a spinal degenerative disease and the journal she keeps while going through her downward spiral. This girl smiles through it all and it is based on a true story.

School is finally looking up. I am getting all A's so far and my GPA is at a 3.44.

I am hungry I will be back in a minute I need a coffee refresh and food.

So I'm Off and Running.

So this is my first post to my blog and have so much to say. By no means will this blog be fluffy gush. I will really state what is on my mind and will be no hold barred from my own thoughts to thoughs on just about everything. With that said...

I took a nap with my husband yesterday afternoon around 4 o'clock. Lately I have gained weight due to having a complete thyroidectomy (had my thyroid taken out surgically), and have had a roux-n-y gastric bypass about 8 years earlier because of weight problems all my life stemming predominantly from my throid. I have lost a whole other person from being 315 lbs to my smallest at around 155 lbs. My weight goes up and down but usually within the 20 lb range and I can keep it under control. Well, after having my thyroid taken out...Oh, I guess I forgot to say why I had this done. The doctors thought it might be thyroid cancer so we opted to have it removed. In the last 2 years I have gone from 170 lbs to now 205 lbs. I have not been feeling much like a woman lately more like depressed and completely unattractive. I awoke to seeing my husband downloading porn and felt a rage inside of me I have never felt before. Mind you I watch porn myself and usually seeing him do this does not enrage me at all. Most of us do whether we want to admit it or not either with a partner or alone. I do both. However, I am fighting with my feelings of complete insecurity and jealousy which is something I have never had to deal with before. I feel like i'm being unfair to him by saying something so I have not said anything. I have kept a smile on my face but he is beginning to see my depressed state and is becoming concerned because I keep pushing him away and not accepting his compliments. At this juncture with what I am feeling I have no idea what to do. This is my dilemma for today.